Documented: The Quest for Mother
by ShuuHigurashi
Summary: WARNING: Yaoi involves YazooxKadaj Disclamer: I don't own Final fantasy. Kadaj keeps a search log on their mission...finds himself slowly learning more about himself and his feelings for his brother Yazoo.
1. Chapter 1

"It's been three days since we released the geostigma, Kadaj." Yazoo's drull voice sighed in his brother's direction. However Kadaj's eyes were far from showing any foccus to the world surrounding his desk. On the dark wooden desk was a very well binded together journal with a blue leather cover. It was cracked open to the first page and he held the pen against the paper, it wasn't moving it read so far:

_The Great Search for Mother!_

_Day 1:_

_We didn't find her._

"Do you suppose we'll be finding her soon then?" Yazoo asked. The sun was already sunken beneath the horizon. "Err...Yeah, maybe." Kadaj said throwing the pen to the side of the desk and slamming the journal closed. He took it in his hands and walked hurridly to the next room. Yazoo's eyes looked at him with suspicion. "Brother what's wrong?" he asked. Kadaj just slammed the door behind him and threw himself onto his bed. Outside the door he could hear his brother let out a sigh of exasperation before walking to his own room, that he shared with Loz.

Kadaj burried half of his head in his pillow and let out an annoyed sigh. For a reason unreachable to himself he had never been more annoyed with his brothers. He felt an odd, furious, almost equal to that of pubescent angst rush through him. He could of yelled out that he hated his brothers if he didn't know that, that would make him look like a small child mid-tantrum. Surley he didn't want to lose even a peg of respect from his brothers, for he was the leader, that's how he had to be. The true surges of hate were mainly aimed to Sephiroth where ever his blasted soul lay. He desired to be so much better than Sephiroth, better for mother...that is why he couldn't afford to be looked down upon even by his own brothers. Especially his brothers.

His eyes were now closed choking back this sting of anger behind them. He felt his head throbbing. He let out a breath into his pillow and angirly forced himself to fall asleep. After a few murmurs about their thoughts on their brother's composure over his emotions, his brothers next door fell asleep as well.

_The Great Search for Mother!_

_Day 2:_

_I have decided that I should write these reports in more elaborate detail. I don't want to overlook one clue as to mother's where-abouts. Thus I'm going to write about every little thing...depending on how significant I think it is. I can't write about every rock I see on the ground can I? Either way, I also believe that I should document the behavior of my subordinate brothers. It is best to record any behavior that could hint betrayal or disrespect in my direction. I need to stay on top in order for our plans to work accordingly. _

_Loz has been acting far more distant, he's been sneaking off lately but I've confirmed that it's simply to go rush of for a quick cry. Loz has to be the most uselss of the group but because he is my brother I don't mention it. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not so spineless as to not speak up against his wrong-doings and nay-says. However I believe that some things about so are best left unsaid to someone I wish to keep around._

_More so than ever I have noticed that Yazoo has so much monotone in his voice. I would almost consider it disrespectful if I didn't know better. I'm positive that it's just that like Loz, Yazoo is feeling emotionally ailed by the disapearence of mother. However unlike Loz he chooses to ignore it, to feel nothing and show no result of so. It's almost like talking to a wall, but it's a lot more relieving talking to Yazoo than it is Loz because of his upperhand on intellegence. He doesn't let his emotions get in the way thus he is so much easier to talk to as well. With Loz it's like talking to a fourteen year old girl. He's constantly talking about how difficult this mission is and how many lengths he would go to, to find mother...how much he misses her. Though that can be relieving too, to know that I'm not the only one feeling empty without her...Yazoo doesn't like to talk about it, he always walks away from those conversations._

_I guess emotionally I'm caught in the middle of the two's conditions. While Loz is an emotional, well not exactly wreck but more of an emotional car crash...Yazoo is an intreverted crab. While I am a book cracked only slightly open. They can read a bit of my despairs but not all that I have chosen to close off myself. I'm the one in control. I suppose that the situation with mother has sent us all spiralling in our own way, however we stand together to find her...emotional differences aside._

_Oh...Did I not mention that...well it's probably obvious that we didn't find her. It has only been two days, and if we had found her I suppose It would've been the first thing I had written. Of course after all of this, I would probably stop writing. I mean to say that the only reason I decided to start writing is because of my awareness that I couldn't possibly miss another detail on the search for mother. To be honest this isn't exactly the second day probably the fifth...I haven't counted the sloppy consent of our search though so it is not documented here. Bleh...better get sleep, it's probably four in the morning._

_The Great Search for Mother!_

_Day 3:_

_We came across a bar today, we asked around. Mainly we are looking for our big brother...Cloud. We have a reason to believe that Cloud Strife is hiding our mother...we just need to find him. A lot happened at the bar. While I was talking with this drunk babbling red headed girl that was trying to strip me of my leather, Loz had gotten into a fight with a muscular, tatooed man that had insulted our mother. I should've warned him that it was a common modern joke, but I never got around to it. So the muscular man ended up pretty badly beaten...despite how useless Loz is, he's tough when he faces someone that has offended him. This of course is what makes up for all of his childish comebacks._

_Yazoo was also talking to someone who appeared to have motives to strip him down...but it was an older man with long dark hair pulled behind him in a ponytail. He didn't appear drunk like the young woman occupying me...he just appeared to have an odd attraction to my brother. I felt a hot surge of anger fill my body as I watched the older man touch my brother's chest...and for some reason a bit of heated jealousy. I took it that I just detest the thought of romance getting in the way of us finding Mother. It wouldn't matter to me who ended up falling in love with Yazoo AFTER the search was complete and we took revenge on the planet, but for now romance, and lovey-dovey feelings aren't an option._

_I would take Loz as the type to get caught up in such feelings...but he seems determined to find mother. Luckily Yazoo wasn't biting. He didn't want anything to do with the older man. I didn't know wheather to believe it was because he wasn't gay...or because he didn't want any romantic attatchments to anyone. Or all around dis-interest, that could always be the reason. Either way I was happy to see Yazoo refuse the man, it was almost amusing for some reason. Of course the bar didn't have any information for us._

_We left and for the rest of the evening ate at a resteraunt that serves sushi. We listened to the awful kareoke and I yet again watched my brother get hit on. Mostly by women this time. He refused them as well...I felt somewhat relieved. It was odd because even I found some of the women mind-blowingly beautiful and difficult to refuse. If I were my brother I would've probably cracked...maybe that's just my pent up sexual frustration. I've been trying so hard to avoid sexual and romantic attachments to women because of how it might jeprodize the search for Mother...the abstinence gets infuriating. I'm a man in search of his mother but I'm a man all the same damnit._

_I'm getting too personal with this journal for my comfort. I'll tuck in for the night._

_The Great Search for Mother!_

_Day 4:_

_We are sure Cloud has been traveling...but where? We can't quite put a name on his location yet, but we need him for our plans to succeed. We're sure that he's hidden mother. Yazoo hasn't said much since yesterday. I've been wondering to myself how last night had affected him and what he really felt about being hit on like that. I want to know if it was easy for him to turn them down...or hard as I would've imagined the situation. I don't much care for how Loz beat up the tattooed man. One hurt person doesn't matter and after all he did deserve it after what he said about our mother. specifically that our mother was a slut of some kind._

_It's odd why I care so much about how Yazoo feels romantically. I guess it's just curiousity because I don't hear much about Yazoo's feelings at all. All disadvantages in sharing emotions on this important mission aside...he's still my brother. I feel like I have a right to know. So this morning from across the table I thought I would ask about it._

"Yazoo...you seemed to catch a lot of attention last night at the bar, and the resteraunt." Kadaj asked taking a bite of the syrup drenched waffles that he had on his plate. "Oh...well It's really nothing. All drunk dribbling cards and unintelligent females. I have no interest in a relationship...I have no interest in a one night stand." Yazoo answered him drully. This didn't exactly answer Kadaj's question. "So you really have no attraction to anyone then?" Kadaj asked finishing off the syrup drenched breakfast...

_Yazoo just looked at me oddly and walked off. My questions were unanswered and I felt rather disrespected and jaded. Loz grouched expressing his disaprooval of being ignored for his fight with the man that insulted mother. He felt he should get at least some mention I suppose. I probably should've mentioned that indeed he also got a lot of attention but not the positive attention that Yazoo was getting...well it was positive but not quite positive for me._

_Today we went driving. We care about getting mother back but today I proposed we take a break day. This is simply because I wanted some time off to talk to Yazoo. I need to know his position to ensure that he is well enough to continue the search...and I was just so damn curious! _

_All day I tried to talk to Yazoo that Loz responded to with scoffs of jealousy. Yazoo wasn't at all very responsive. The break day was not all it cracked up to be at all._

_The Great Search for Mother!_

_Day 5:_

_I'm tired. I'm so damn tired...tired...tired!! I've had enough of Yazoo's damn beauty! They say the best way to find the person your looking for is to ask a popular local bar or club. But all we've ever found was men and women who want a piece of my brother! Sometimes I just want to take a knife and sloppily chop of his long beautiful hair and watch everyone gasp as it falls to the floor! But I admire it myself far too much to take it away from him. Sure people would probably stop hitting on him as much, but something about staring at him would be so much different...far more awkward._

_However there are still other attractive features to Yazoo I have to admit. Many people would be able to see this past his locks of hair. I mean he is pretty fit...I would feel better if I could erase that but it's in pen. It's a good thing none of my brothers will be reading this anytime soon. If any of them saw this they would probably lose a lot of respect for me. I can't afford that, so this search log is my sworn secret._

_Besides I've looked back on some of the things I've written about my brothers and I find myself embarassed and ashamed. Damn this inability to obtain a pencil. We searched around a bit today but tucked in pretty early. I'm determined to find mother that's for sure but for some reason later in the day I didn't feel up to it. Something about looking in Yazoo's direction. He seems so lifeless. I can tell through his eyes that he's determined as well...it's just he seems so lifeless. I'm feeling sick inside. I'll go to sleep._

_The Great Search for Mother!_

_Day 6:_

_I'm ashamed. I'm positivley ashamed. I know I've lost about two pegs of respect from my brothers. We hit a bar the other night after my nap. You see I was writing the last entry in the evening before we set out for the bar. Yazoo had convinced me that perhaps we could put some more effort into the search before the night was over. I agreed, mostly because I wanted to see how he would react this time. He was sure to get hit on again wearing cologne..._

_So I decide I'll sit next to a black haired woman that resembles the gypsies and act as if I'm asking her questions and knock back a few drinks...I'll watch the show. I don't remember just how many people hit on Yazoo that night but I do remember how much I wished I had a pencil...so I asked the woman beside me for one. She had one in her purse...but I had to earn it. I was drunk and she was beautiful..._

_This morning I rest my pencil beside this journal and she followed after me...my brothers seemed kind of shocked that a woman had stepped out of my room wearing my sheets. Especially because I was the one that had stressed the idea of not letting sexual or romantic feelings interfere with our mission. I saw her off of course. It was simply a one night stand and nothing more...The sexual release was good, but I had no feelings for...Jasmine was it?_

_Today was silent. We didn't leave home much. We all felt a little awkward after Jasmine left. Jasmine the vixen...seductive and evil. I would consider her to be by my side as we took revenge on the planet...I had seen all the movies, every villian needs a vixen by his side right? Well if I had really felt like I could stand to have her around much longer I probably might have. Besides, I was thinking about the future...after awhile she would just make things difficult...she would be even more useless than Loz. She didn't even know our motives...she just had lust for me, she didn't need to know anything about my brothers and I._

_Of course today's search wasn't progressive because we mainly stayed home feeling awkward. I don't blame my brothers for being mad at me. I broke my own rule. I'm ashamed. I sold myself for a pencil and a quick fix. I hope Yazoo forgives me quickly. He seemed the most flustered by this. Everytime I try to talk to him he blushes and turns away from me like I'm some sort of sexual deviant. I think I'll go to sleep early, I can't imagine what else I could do._


	2. 2Kiss back

_The Great Search for Mother!_

_Day 7:_

_Yazoo and I haven't talked often in awhile. I suppose that he still finds it awkward that I spent the night entertaining a woman I just met. He knows that's the way it was before...so why would it be different now? Because I'm the one who proposed the rule, that we do NOT let sexual romance get in the way of our mission. Technically I didn't let it get in the way of anything that regarded our mission. But I am still ashamed. I sold myself because I wanted the ability to write in this journal with a pencil...erase anything I might write that would seem too embarassing. But now the way I see it pen looks a lot neater, and I am the only one that's going to see this journal ever..._

_Sometimes I catch myself wishing Yazoo would find it and be curious enough to read about all my aggrivations with him. It makes me feel childish and stupid, but it would be nice to give him a taste of my perspective. It's so crazy how my anger is so simplistic. Sometimes I'm just that obvious I guess. However Yazoo seems oblivious. None of them are really realizing that I am very stressed. It's too bad I don't even remember the sex with Jasmine...I don't feel as relieved as I know I felt that morning for an unexpected reason. I don't want to risk getting more hateful glances from Yazoo again by sleeping with another woman to release my tension._

_I've had a lot of time to think. Today my brothers and I just drove off in different directions hoping to find something of our own. I didn't find anything really. In fact I spent my time at a diner dodging anyone, including my brothers. I talked to the waitres...tried to ignore her huge chest. It was the basic, yes yes I would like coffee..lots of sugar. When I finally got kicked out for loitering I had to stop by the drug store and get some sleeping pills. With all the coffee I had I wouldn't be able to sleep. I don't like using drugs to solve my problems...but I want to sleep. I don't want to spend all night writing...it gets really boring after awhile._

_The Great Search for Mother!_

_Day 9:_

_I slept well the other night. I might continue using the sleeping pills. They were very effective. I feel a bit better even though I still haven't quite coaxed Yazoo into talking to me. It makes me feel horrible. All I really felt like doing for the past two days was get Yazoo to talk to me. My brother is so distant all of a sudden. I've gotten Loz to talk to me. He hasn't mentioned much about Jasmine. We had a short conversation about it and laughed it off...for the first time in awhile I really appreciated Loz._

_We hit another local bar tonight. We've been doing it a lot lately, we could be presumed alcoholics. I'm begining to believe that I'm completley losing sight of the mission. I might just be going to bars for kicks now. I'm pretty sure my brothers have realized this as well. Soon enough the geostigma will drive Cloud to us either way. I'm pretty sure of myself._

_I'm finding it hard to feel angry, something about me still feels relaxed and relieved. You see the bar we hit had some people there. Naturally I find some woman to sit next to while my brothers go their seperate ways about the bar. When the unimaginable happens._

_Well I wouldn't call it unimaginable. I have seen men hit on my brother of course, but things got a bit out of hand for my comfort. You see the man was touching my brother's chest and flirting with him, pulling through his long, soft, silver hair in gentle pets...damn I sound wierd...so he pulls him close to him and kisses him dominantly on the lips. I felt so much anger pulse through my blood. I don't know how to describe it. It was so forcefull his eyes drooped shut...he didn't pull away for a good twenty seconds. _

_I was angry then of course but as I've said, even when writing this I find it very hard to be angry now. You see it's about three am now and the woman I sat beside is behind me in my bed sleeping. She's sweaty and exhausted. My frustrations have gotten so much worse...but I feel so much exhilirating release right now...I don't think I can sleep. I guess the whole reason I did this is because of how angry Yazoo made me. No...I know it's true but in a way I'm enjoying how reckless I've become...I want Yazoo to start worrying about me._

That very night Yazoo and Loz still lay awake. "Yazoo, I'm tired can I go to sleep." Loz begged on the top bunk of the bed. "I don't know I really feel like something's wrong with Kadaj...sleeping with women, coming home late, sleeping pills, problem drinking...I don't think he's trying for mother like he used to." Yazoo complained. His voice nearly cracked. "Don't say he's not trying...He'll come around. He's under a lot of pressure he's leading us in the search. He's got a lot to worry about so relax...and maybe you should try talking to him! I mean I bet you really pissed him off with that gay kiss...and you guys never talk about anything! I think it's getting into his head." Loz finished with a yawn. "Yeah." Yazoo sighed burrying his head into his pillow. He turned over and fell asleep.

_The Great Search for Mother!_

_Day 10:_

_This morning Crystal woke before my brothers and I did and made us breakfast. She left it steaming on the table and went back to her everyday life. I don't think I'll be seeing Crystal again, I think she was a great woman for making us breakfast after puting up with my selfish need for meaningless sexual release. I appreciate it. I feel like I really owe her one...she was good in bed too I'll admit that. It was good to see that the man from the night before hadn't come home with Yazoo, though I'm positive that Yazoo couldn't afford that, he shares a room with Loz. _

_If only Crystal was as good a cook as she was in bed...tsk tsk. It was good at best but I've had women that were amazing cooks..but then again I could never remember how they were in bed. I tried to talk to Yazoo this morning he blushed. He too tried to make some sort of conversation...it failed horribly though. I wish it would've turned out better, it was awkward because Loz was there._

_So today we set out...Yazoo followed me on his motorcycle. We both stopped at the same diner...and there...we had an awkward chat. I would've perferred if it hadn't happened._

"Kadaj...How have you been?" Yazoo asked Kadaj very nervously starting the conversation. He tapped his fingers on the counter. "We live together. You know what's going on with me..." Kadaj began. He seemed sleepy and didn't really want to go through this. All through out all of these happenings he had wanted to talk to Yazoo about what was on his mind but now that it had come...he really didn't. "Well not what's going on with your head. You've been bringing home women...you seem a lot angrier. I wonder if your steady enough to continue with the mission." Yazoo stated frankly.

"I'm fine." Kadaj answered simply. "And what about you...you've attracted a lot of attention lately." he finally got the courage to ask again. "I've told you...I don't care about any of them really. They'd only jeprodize everything! You're the one that really needs to take that to heart Kadaj." for once Yazoo sounded rather offended. "Are you sayin' I'm a hypocrite Yazoo?" Kadaj asked rubbing the temples on his head in aggravation. "I don't know what's up with you now y'know?" Yazoo said also getting aggravated.

_The conversation ended after that. I don't know what was going through Yazoo's head. I think he really is getting worried about me. I wish he had asked about it in a different way...or at least not have given up on me as quickly as he had. We did not find mother today._

_The Great Search for Mother!_

_Day 11:_

_I'm proud to say that I didn't bring any female guests home with me tonight. I'm just up rather late...I'm thinking. We didn't go to any bars tonight...well by 'we' I mean me. Yazoo left supposedly to "clear his head" as he said it, and Loz followed. I think he's angry with me. It's most likely because I didn't spill my heart to him when I probably should have. I would take it that he wouldn't be the type to put up with emotional damage but he really wants to be the stronger one here!_

_NO SIR! I'm not letting that happen! If anyone is going to break down crying it's Yazoo! I refuse to become the weaker one!_

_The Great Search for Mother!_

_Day 12:_

_Our house got a call the other day from this young woman named Alice?...Amy?...I don't remember. I think it was Abby...apparently she ran into Yazoo at the bar and the two shared a kiss...there was a big difference between the kiss with Abby and the kiss with the other man. According to Loz...he kissed back._

_When hearing this I felt a strange shatter and sink in my chest...it dropped down to my stomach and I felt a throbbing vein in my forehead. I could feel angry tears sting the back of my eyes. I don't know why but I was absolutley furious with Yazoo. It was like he was mocking me. I don't appreciate being mimmicked by my brother! And for some reason..something about Yazoo with a girl doesn't compute with me and makes me feel like I'm missing something._

_I'm done with you...Yazoo._


End file.
